Stamp of Approval

SQUEEE!!!! After DH stressing out about it for weeks, we finally had the appointment with our mortgage loan officer at BB&T. Not only do we qualify for a ridiculous amount of house, our credit scores are so pristine we're getting excellent rates and no PMI!!! Doing the research really paid off, I'm so glad DH has been on top of this. We're feeling rather proud of ourselves!

To celebrate we're cramming 3 friends from OOT into our teenie tiny apartment and bar hopping around DC. The strangest thing? I actually feel up to it. Maybe I'm tired of being alone with my empty ute, maybe I'm on a first time home buyers high, and maybe it's a crazy positive mood swing from the BC. IDK, but I'm going with it.

Reasons I hate PCOS

1) The obvious, "you're infertile" thing.

2) The ridiculous symptoms that are permeating every aspect of my life other than TTC. The ridiculously disgusting relentless acne that I cannot get rid off, the mustache I've had to diligently wax for the past 2 months, the weight fluctuations, the damaging effects of certain foods on both my waistline and my mood. And the latest 2 symptoms to pop up, my hair is starting to fall out and my skin is starting to get those lovely dry patches. I am so sexy, I can barely stand it.

3) The way my friends and family don't really know what to say if I talk to them about it, because they don't understand that it's not just about getting KU. I mean I can talk about zits in weird places and the fact that I have facial hair like a man with my BFF's, but it's not anyone's favorite topic of conversation.

4) When people say things like, "Well at least you caught it early," "You weren't even trying to get pregnant yet were you?" "Don't worry, with all the new medical technology out there you'll still be able to have kids." And my all time fave, "So, you just can't get pregnant? That's it? Oh, that's not so bad, I wish I had that, you'll save so much on BC!" (Yeh, um, right, that's why I shell out $35 a month for it. And yes, I agree, I wish you had this instead of me, you cow.) I know they think they are being comforting, (most of them) but they have no idea how angry all of these statements make me.

5) I'm fucking sick of looking like a sickly, bloated greasy slob. I have symptoms that keep getting worse and nothing seems to be working. It's really starting to affect my confidence, this is not who I am or even who I was 6 months ago, and it's very frustrating.

6) I'm avoiding people because I look and feel like shit, and explaining what is wrong does not help, see reason #4. Don't feel left out e-friends, I've been avoiding everyone, even on the phone. This long weekend I actually played an Xbox game from start to finish rather than talk to anyone. Obviously DH and I didn't have the most romantic V-day. I really am turning into a nerdy teenage boy, minus the sex drive.

TTC decision update

Well, looks like I will start back BC on Sunday. I've had the script sitting in the bottom of my purse since Wednesday after my Dr's appointment.

We made the decision because it's not medically necessary to TTC now. I believe my RE's words were: "You're completely normal and healthy besides the PCOS, you can be on BC as long as you like. Then we'll put you on Clomid if you don't ovulate the first month off, and keep going from there. Remember, you're only 22." ( Yes, I am perfectly aware of my age Dr, I don't need a reminder. I know I have plenty of years ahead of me to have children, the point is DH and I are perfectly equipped and ready for them now, or else I wouldn't be here.)

Regardless, we're waiting on the ovulatory drugs until we get some more of our shit together, DH would feel more comfortable if we went into this with a few more goals checked off our list. Although I'm still not super excited about waiting, I think this way it will be less stressful for both of us.

I should be happy to have such a great RE, a plan in place, no other IF problems etc etc. But I'm not. For whatever reason I feel like I am right back to where I started 6 months ago, even though I have really come a long way. IDK, it just feels like some sort of failure, even though logically I know that's not true.

I have been on a juvenile rebellion against my body since last Wednesday. Slacking on my Metformin (which I guess I no longer need, uhg), eating chocolate, and I even had fried chicken during the Superbowl. All big no-no's, but I decided to say fuck it. Just one more unhealthy habit I have when on an emotional roller coaster, I become a glutton for self-punishment/hate…like a log cabin Republican. Of course my body responded to that hurts-so-good BS in the logical way, refusing to let me have a good poop for almost a week and then deciding the best way to get all these bad things out of me is by giving me the stomach flu Wednesday. You know, having the stomach flu sucked in it's own right, but being that nauseated and knowing there is absolutely no possibility it could be from being KU made it suck even harder. I barely got through work and my appointment that day.

Now that I am done violently expelling things from both ends of my digestive system, it's time to refocus these feelings into something mutually beneficial for mind and body. Tonight and tomorrow I plan on resting and actually having sex with my husband, since that hasn't happened in almost 2 weeks now, and then Sunday I'm going to re-evaluate that gym membership I keep saying is too expensive. We have a fitness room full of cardio equipment in our apartment complex, but I am so bored with the elliptical I could scream. After all, losing weight is one of those goals to check of the list, one of the few that is really a goal of mine specifically and not a shared goal with DH.

Thanking God it is Friday and this shitty week is over. I need to start fresh.

HSG= hardcore suckage

Yes, I am one of those women with the horrible HSG experience. The test itself was incredibly painful. Imagine someone opening a switchblade in your vagina and shoving it through your cervix and you'll have a pretty good idea of how this test feels on your lady bits. Thankfully my test was very short, maybe a total of 5 minutes. I was lucky, no blocked tubes and everything looked completely normal. The aftermath however was not short lived, my whole abdominal region felt like a war zone until Sunday morning.

I had stabby, (for lack of a better analogy, the knife thing still works nicely) sore pains. I wouldn't call them cramps, but they made me uncomfortably aware of where my uterus and fillopian tubes are in my abdomen, and were pretty severe for the rest of the day after the test. The next day I had less actual pain and more general soreness, very similar to a few weeks after my appendectomy. For the first two days I had no real bleeding and no ink leakage, but loads of wet CM with an occasional spot of bright red.

Yesterday I woke up nice and late and pain free, but got out of bed to find my uterus suddenly decided to spill iodine. That lasted about and hour, then we moved on to act two, tons of scary looking blood clots off and on throughout the afternoon, and then general AF like bleeding off and on.

So in closing, yeh....that sucked, I'm still bleeding, and our TTC situation is still not set in stone. happy Monday.