Looks like I'll be back on BCP for a while.

Haven't picked up the thermometer the past 2 mornings. There really is no point.

DH and I have decided unless it is medically better to start TTC right now, we will wait. I'm still not excited about it, but I think we came to at least a reasonable compromise. We set some goals to achieve before we start. DH wants to get a promotion (which could happen in a as little as 3 months or over a year from now) he wants to be in settled in our new house, (6 months to a year from now) and I would like to lose the rest of this weight, which is kind of vain, but also for the best medically considering our situation. Another big plus would be for me to find job I can do from home, or at least partly from home.

I also decided we needed to put an end date on all of this, a month we would say ok, this is when we start to try if we havn't already, so we picked December 2011. That seems so far away, but it's only 2 years as opposed to 10, which I could never agree to. So I have to give DH credit, because he's at least trying to understand.

He's coming with me to my HSG today, which hopefully turns out fine, my RE is slightly concerned because I had appendicitis when I was younger. Hopefully we also have time to ask a few quesitons. Not sure if I will go back to work today when it's over, DH has a half day so maybe we will just go home and relax. I don't know how well that will go over with my boss, but I really think I might need the afternoon to just process things.

Deadlock.

When I called DH after my appointment and told him everything, his only question, (God love him for being so supportive) was "Well, what do you want to do?" UHG. If only I knew the answer to that question.

It turns out that this ultimatum is my nightmare and H's dream come true. Maybe I should have seen that coming. The complete control thing is much more his style.

Anyway, we are butting heads about it. H is excited that now we can put of TTC and jump into it full swing whenever we want. Rather than the way were were going, which was well, this may take a while, so lets start now. I agree that putting it off for a few months, even a year would really be ok. We would be more settled, we'd have our new house set up, and we'd probably have a little extra cash. But my biggest problem with this is I know that DH will fall into the trap of never being ready. All of a sudden a little extra cash won't be enough, then it will be onto we need X, Y, and Z, before he's ready. He says that's not true, but I have a hard time believing that.

We talked the entire night about everything that goes into this kind of decision, and we're hopelessly deadlocked. I went to bed exhausted and I'm exhausted this morning trying to rehash everything in my brain.

I'd be happy as a clam to start TTC tomorrow, he'd be happy as a clam to start in 10 years. Now that he has the option to do that, he is unwilling to compromise. I am seriously pissed. I don't know what else to say for now.

Dilemma

Dilemma –noun

1) a situation requiring a choice between equally undesirable alternatives.

2) any difficult or perplexing situation or problem

Not sure whether to laugh or cry. I love my new RE, had a nice chat with him and a thorough but easy exam. I guess to sum up the Dx, my PCOS is moderate to severe, and he thinks it will likely get worse and worse. (F'n Great) My blood work comes back next week and I have another follow up appointment, but he said he is 99% sure it’s classic PCOS and not anything else adrenal. My ovaries are measuring well over 3cm, and I have over 30 cysts on each one. Seeing the ultra sound and hearing the news again wasn’t that bad, because obviously I’ve heard it before and dealt with it. The thing that got me was that it is getting worse since I saw my old RE, not better. :::heavy sigh::: Oh well, I was prepared for bad news and I’m doing fine with all of it. I guess I just wish that the metformin and diet were working. (I know it would be some sort of miracle if they worked perfectly the very first cycle, but still.)

What I was not prepared for were my RE’s concluding remarks.

RE: “We have two options, either we start you on treatment to TTC right away, (meaning Clomid etc.) or we start you on a treatment for pregnancy prevention (meaning BCP).”

ME: “So, you mean, I can’t just take the Metformin and try to see if I O on my own and let things happen at least kind of naturally?”

RE: “No, we really have to treat your ovaries, either we start you on ovulatory drugs so you can get pregnant or we have to put you back on BCP, I don’t want your cysts and your symptoms to get any worse.”

ME: “Erm…well right now I would like to tell you please start me on the ovulatory drugs, but I’ll let you know for sure next week at the follow up.”

:::heaves even heavier sigh:::

DH and I want a baby, we want to have a family, there is no question about it. But I hate the idea that I am either on BC or on Clomid. Why can't there be a middle ground? I had already made up my mind to put off serious fertility drugs for at least another year. I mean I'm 22 for fuck's sake! Why can't my body just fix itself? Or better yet, work the way it should? RE said I am not overweight enough that losing weight will greatly improve the PCOS, and also it is already this bad and getting more severe while on diet, exercise and Metformin. I need the hormonal regulation.

I just don't know what to say when faced with an ultimatum like that. If I got pregnant next month I would be overjoyed, we are ready in all the major ways any couple can be. DH has a stable, well paid job that he enjoys, (you all know my work situation, I would be fine with an excuse to leave it and be a SAHM or a WAHM) we are getting a bigger place, etc. But what I hate is the fact that for the rest of my life my fertility rests solely in the hands of science and drugs. This is not the way I pictured conceiving my first child.

When I called DH after my appointment and told him everything, his only question, (God love him for being so supportive) was "Well, what do you want to do?" UHG. If only I knew the answer to that question.

More heart to hearts with DH to come tonight. <3

Picture this if you will

How I am imagining my first convo with my new RE:

RE: "Hi, I'm Dr. .... nice to meet you....erm, um, I see you're...ready"
ME: (already in gown, sheet covered, and in stirrups, likely my vag is staring the doc in the face) "yeh yeh great, listen, lets cut the small talk and you just look in my ute and tell me what's up mmmkay?"

As much as I hate the idea of going though another barrage of glucose tests, dildo cam molestations, and getting stabbed with needles, I'm ready to see what's going on so I can start reproducing.

WORK VENT

WTF?! So, I was a Public Relations major in college. I love love love designing layouts, writing, and creating pretty, glossy marketing materials. Not to mention good at it!

Since I've been stuck at this craptastic non-PR related job, I have tried like hell to get my boss to let me revamp her marketing materials. THEY SUCK DONKEY BALLS. They are completely unprofessional, sloppy, and make our company sound like a rip off. (But then again, I am talking about miss anti-technology who can't even use a cell phone, still thinks cold calls and faxes are the best way to get to high-profile clients)

No matter what I try, she is unreceptive, and I'm pretty much convinced that she just doesn't want to admit I can do anything (even if it's what I have a degree in) better than her.

I mean really. Are you that insecure?

On to the reason for this vent:

I'm using the scanner today, and I see a fucking POWERPOINT slide with what I am guessing is her attempt at a fact sheet that she left in there. Um, for one thing YOU DO NOT NEED TO PRINT AND SCAN A POWERPOINT SLIDE TO MAKE IT INTO A PDF YOU DUMB FUCK. And the other thing, you should let me do this for you!

All she wants me to do is handle all the admin stuff, do all the customer service stuff humanly possible, be her gofer, and when things get quiet, make cold calls to try and generate more sales and commission for her, of which I never see a penny.

I have tried to say listen, I would love to come out of this job with some PR related materials to have in my portfolio, and this would be something to your benefit as well and ultimately generate more sales, but still nothing.

At every free moment today my job search is on with renewed vigor. My brain and skills are rotting here. end vent.

Ouch

Hurray for some wet CM, but holy nipple pain. Ow ow ow ow ow.

Ironical...it fits.

Goddammit.

After my last cycle, which was over 3 months long, clearly annovulatory and highly medicated (ineffectively medicated btw) I never thought fertile CM could be so elusive! I had freaking buckets of it for days and days last cycle! This cycle, I've had loads of creamy, but just one day of actual wet CM. UHG.

Going Fishing...for O

So 2 posts from GP got me thinking today, and feeling hopeful in spite of all my attempts to approach this first cycle on Metformin with dogged and relentless cynicism.

First it was Jav who O'd on her own after just starting her Metformin, (awesome) and then R Lily talking about the whole feeling hott and having a higher sex drive during your fertile days.

So, here are my overly hopeful observations about my body over the past few days:

I'm not necessarily feeling hott, but I am feeling a little less icky. I managed to lose a little more than 5 pounds since the holidays, (today my pants are falling down, and even my belt is too big, woot!) Also for the first time in almost a month my face is looking like it's clearing up, but I'm not sure if that is the hormones doing what they are supposed to finally or the seriously intense regime of acne products I have been using.

First actual Watery CM of my cycle appeared this morning, even if it was only a small amount.

Yesterday and today my temp took a nosedive, and of course I am waiting with baited to breath to see if this is a pre O dip, or just more wacky temps like last cycle. And although this is my first cycle really checking my CP, it also seems to be moving in the right direction, (pun intended) and it is definitely high, but I can't quite tell for sure if it is soft and open quite yet.

I have defiantly been more...in the mood lately. I was even having an s-e-x dream yesterday when my alarm woke me up. DH has been traveling a lot though, so possibly just pent up needs.



Here's my lovely, lovely chart that can't tell me anything yet. *sigh* I hope I go back to being a cynical bitch tomorrow, instead of this overly emotional girl who needs to hang up her fishing pole and tackle box. : (

frustated

Where are you O?

Dream and Dinner Update

Well, it looks like my job is still safe for now. Last night went well, definitely awkward at first, hanging out with your notably older boss after work is kind of like hanging out with a teacher after high school...

Anyway, I was bad and drank a bit to settle myself, and dinner ended up being pretty fun. Still no mention of the break-up and possible legal drama going on, but at least she was very nice and understanding about my TTC, her brother and his wife have apparently had a lot of IF issues.

I told her about the PCOS when I had to start going to multiple Dr appointments and she was starting to wonder what was up. Anyway, I never said, "yes we are trying right now," I just said, well we weren't planning trying immediately after we got married at first, just thought we would see what happened. But then when we learned it might take longer or might not happen at all for us, we were going to take whatever we can get.

Maybe that was a little TMI for the workplace, but, I'm glad it is out in the open.

I also learned after riding in a taxi with her that I am not the only person she treats like crap when she is agitated or feels embarrassed. (Poor nameless taxi driver, I feel your pain)

On to the dream I had last night, which I think is too good not to share:

I am at work, on GP instead of working, as usual. All of a sudden I see this sn that seems waaay too familiar posting some newb question, with a ticker in the siggy that says 2weeks and 3 days PG. Yep, so there is my boss who is in her 40's, 2w and 3d? (I realized the ridiculousness of 2 weeks 3 days while dreaming and was sooooo agitated, WTF) PG, and somehow found out about my message board.

Anyway, I went on to dream that this is why she and her BF broke up, she is KU with some other man's child, and he split. She is quiting her job to be a SAHM living with her baby daddy, the chef at the restaurant we went to last night whom she is good friends with IRL but in my dream was a doctor without borders. I was basically getting her position in the company, which would be a significant pay increase but would also mean I am strapped with a bunch of responsibility I do not want at a job I already strongly dislike. By the end of my dream she went into a strong "nesting" syndrome and started to overhaul our entire office, painting it blindingly white and making it look like a computer lab where I used to study in college. Then she stole my keyboard and told me I would just have to make it work without one, she needed it for wall art, she was going to make the keys into a wreath.

And that's when I woke up.


TGIF!!!

And the awkwardness continues

So, my boss was very seriously dating a client for a couple years up until right before Xmas.

Since then, he has basically been causing a bunch of drama here at my workplace but despite all of this, my boss has yet to come straight out and tell me "By the way, we broke up".

I mean, I'm not interested in the details and I respect your privacy, but this whole situation is already completely unprofessional, and if I'm going to be dragged into it, I would at least appreciate some honesty. I don't like having to figure things out through all the cryptic messages and innuendos.

Anyway, adding to the awkwardness, my boss lady has been insisting we go out to dinner on the corporate credit card, as a holiday treat that we were too busy for during the holidays. Ok, I'm never one to pass up free food and booze, but why do I have the feeling that this is just an excuse for her to either A) dump some bad news about my work performance or job security on me
or B) dump her emotional bucket on me regarding her personal life?

UHG. Tomorrow will be interesting, for sure.

This is totally wrong of me but....

I am actively searching for another job while I'm at work, and this isn't the first time. Oops.

Although, I have to say I feel better about where I am after catching up with one of my BFF's last night. If she and some of my other college friends, who were huge overachievers, are having trouble finding a good job (or any job of that matter) I have no room to complain. We have decided that not doing corporate internships during college kind of screwed us right now, the economy is shrinking and the jobs that would have been there are just not available anymore. Our field is too competitive and we don't have any big names to back us up on our resumes.

Still, I know there is something better than where I am now, and I am determined to find it.

BTW God, if you didn't want me to be a career girl, did you have to make it so hard for me to get KTFU? You're twisted. Is this punishment for building the pagan "fertility rock pile" in Aruba on the honeymoon? I swear I was thinking about you the whole time!

Alright Ovaries

I am trying my best to give you the exact conditions you require to ovulate. I am taking my meds faithfully, I have not touched a potato, grain of sugar, slice of white bread or grain of white rice this entire cycle. I'm even drinking my green tea and taking my PNV to create optimal living conditions for sperm and future progeny. So far, you have given me no signs that you are even contemplating releasing an egg.

Now I realize you have had quite a shock lately after the BC stopped in August, and suddenly you got all cyst-ie from trying to O for 105 days to no avail, but you've got to pull your shit together. Work with me here, I know you can do it. I am prepared to go the long haul with you sans extreme medications on this, but only if you cooperate. Otherwise watch out, remember that I asked you nicely once. TIA bitches.

Woot!

Hurray for a new blog! I have been meaning to set one up, and tried and failed last month. So welcome to HotChildintheCity 2.0, thanks to Nykki who did an amazing job on the design! <3