A very long update

Things have been completely crazy the past few weeks.

First of all, I apologize for having to take the blog private. I realize how annoying that is if you're a follower. I had a sneaking suspicion my boss might have stumbled upon my blog after I left for coffee and forgot ::der!:: to clear all my personal data from the firefox cache before I left. ::Makes a note to self to be well caffeinated before blogging, to avoid these kinds of issues in the future.:: I know she checks up on these kinds of things, so after that day and some cryptic comments she made, self preservation mode set in. Also, a girl I know from HS is now on the bump. She's far into her third trimester and I don't think she hangs out anywhere except the tri boards...but you never know. So, in the interests of keeping my pathetic job and not being bump-outed to most of my graduating class, this is the way it has to be.

House Update

We packed most of Memorial Day weekend and then closed on our house Tuesday the 26th. Closing went really smoothly and because we had done most of our loan paper work when we got pre-qualified, it only took about 20 minutes. Tuesday-Friday we did the rest of the packing at the apartment and cleaning at our new place, which takes forever when you have to do it after working 9-5. ::bleck:: We moved out on Friday, (I had to work....yeh, again, I have that boss) but DH ended up hiring movers. WOOT! And they did a fantastic job.

We're mostly unpacked and settled in, the main things are done but the clothes are not entirely in the closet and books are still not on the shelves. We've been working our asses off cleaning, unpacking, and getting things organized. Some examples: the downstairs floors are hard wood and wood laminate and seem to be impossible to keep clean, the landscaping is beautiful but requires a lot of upkeep (after the previous owners sold the house they stopped weeding, pruning and well, everything else, I don't blame them), DH had to fix a small flooding issue in the garage, he cleaned the gutters, and assembled a few new things from Ikea.

So, even though it's been crazy busy and exhausting, I love, love, love this house and I'm very happy with our decision. We still have a few rooms with no furniture and some minor projects (painting, a few new light and bathroom sink fixtures) but we're happy to let that happen in time. DH is a stickler for saving money and paying off the credit card bill every month, and really, I can't complain.

Interview

I had an interview on Tuesday the 2nd, right after moving in. It actually went pretty well, but the craigslist post I responded too was nothing like the job I was actually interviewing for...wtf right? The recruiter realized about half way through the interview that she had f*ed up and was interviewing me for no reason, her boss wanted someone with 5 year of admin experience. That's not what was posted, and it clearly reads on my resume that I graduated in 08 and have 1 year in admin. So, even though she liked me I was pretty sure I wasn't going to get the position. It was really odd, and needless to say, I won't be working there.

My Grandma

On Sunday afternoon May 31st, at Home Depot trying to no avail to get a lawnmower into the trunk of our two door Honda Accord, my Dad called me to let me know my Grandma had passed away. She was 87, and had been in hospice for more than a year. We all knew it was coming, she was so frail she couldn't even come to my wedding in September. She had severe osteoporosis, to the point where she had shrunken more than 2 feet, both of her hips had been replaced or reconstructed and neither would stay in their socket, and because her whole life she had severe OCD and dementia for the past few years, she wasn't eating and didn't really know who anyone was anymore.

My grandma and my family (especially my mother and aunt) have always had a complicated relationship. If I could compare her to anyone, it would be Tony's mom on the Sopranos. Without the most of her friends hated her part. Just the guilt trip thing, the way she and my grandfather never got along but once he died he was a saint, and lots of little things that are hard to really explain to anyone who didn't know her. I was angry at her for a long time after my Pap died, and she started the whole I don't want to live anymore thing, the oh I'm dying even though other than the osteo, she was in perfect health. Her OCD got even more out of control to the point where we were pretty confident she was anorexic and purposely doing things that might result in injury. She couldn't do certain things after her hip replacement and other surgeries but she would do them anyway, and then have to go to the Dr, and we think a lot of it had to do with her OCD rituals and that compulsion to do things that she just couldn't do anymore.

Of course, I was a teenager when my Pap died, so I understood many more things about my Gram and this family dynamic than I did as a child. Granted, she was much more functional during my childhood, but growing up, I never really noticed any of this.

My grandparents lived right down the street from me my entire childhood, and I wouldn't change that for anything. I can't tell you how many times I "ran away from home" to my Grammy's. She might have been a difficult mother, but she was an amazing grandmother. She's the reason I love coffee, know what good chocolate is and how to tell which pieces are which in a box, know how to prune a rosebush and how to make snap dragons talk, make a kick ass chicken soup, can pronounce any Polish name with ease, (not to mention swear and take the Lord's name in vain in Polish) I actually like going to church (and I'm Catholic), and so many other things. I have so many great memories of her that all the problems from the past 10 years since my Pap died pale in comparison. And even though when I got the news I was relieved her suffering was over, I was overwhelmingly sad that the Grandma I remember, the coherent, giving, loving, fun Grandma was gone. The thing that truly killed me, was I couldn't even remember the last time I saw her. I still cannot remember which time was the last time, and that hurts me more than anything. Did she know who I was? Did I tell her I loved her enough that day? Did I make her laugh?

I would go into the details of the Funeral on Thursday, how my boss tried to make me feel guilty for taking off (I even missed the viewing day because of her) and how I almost told her to go fuck herself, the antics of my incredibly insensitive and vindictive great aunts and a few other relatives, but truthfully, that is a whole other long story in itself. For now, I will just say this is probably the hardest loss I have faced in my life up to this point, and I'm still chocked up when I write or talk about it. I have been dealing with it well, I've cried a lot and kept myself busy (it hasn't been hard with everything that has been going on) but like I mentioned, it's still an open wound.

So in conclusion, real life is kicking my ass, and I am just trying to keep up and keep smiling.