Dilemma

Dilemma –noun

1) a situation requiring a choice between equally undesirable alternatives.

2) any difficult or perplexing situation or problem

Not sure whether to laugh or cry. I love my new RE, had a nice chat with him and a thorough but easy exam. I guess to sum up the Dx, my PCOS is moderate to severe, and he thinks it will likely get worse and worse. (F'n Great) My blood work comes back next week and I have another follow up appointment, but he said he is 99% sure it’s classic PCOS and not anything else adrenal. My ovaries are measuring well over 3cm, and I have over 30 cysts on each one. Seeing the ultra sound and hearing the news again wasn’t that bad, because obviously I’ve heard it before and dealt with it. The thing that got me was that it is getting worse since I saw my old RE, not better. :::heavy sigh::: Oh well, I was prepared for bad news and I’m doing fine with all of it. I guess I just wish that the metformin and diet were working. (I know it would be some sort of miracle if they worked perfectly the very first cycle, but still.)

What I was not prepared for were my RE’s concluding remarks.

RE: “We have two options, either we start you on treatment to TTC right away, (meaning Clomid etc.) or we start you on a treatment for pregnancy prevention (meaning BCP).”

ME: “So, you mean, I can’t just take the Metformin and try to see if I O on my own and let things happen at least kind of naturally?”

RE: “No, we really have to treat your ovaries, either we start you on ovulatory drugs so you can get pregnant or we have to put you back on BCP, I don’t want your cysts and your symptoms to get any worse.”

ME: “Erm…well right now I would like to tell you please start me on the ovulatory drugs, but I’ll let you know for sure next week at the follow up.”

:::heaves even heavier sigh:::

DH and I want a baby, we want to have a family, there is no question about it. But I hate the idea that I am either on BC or on Clomid. Why can't there be a middle ground? I had already made up my mind to put off serious fertility drugs for at least another year. I mean I'm 22 for fuck's sake! Why can't my body just fix itself? Or better yet, work the way it should? RE said I am not overweight enough that losing weight will greatly improve the PCOS, and also it is already this bad and getting more severe while on diet, exercise and Metformin. I need the hormonal regulation.

I just don't know what to say when faced with an ultimatum like that. If I got pregnant next month I would be overjoyed, we are ready in all the major ways any couple can be. DH has a stable, well paid job that he enjoys, (you all know my work situation, I would be fine with an excuse to leave it and be a SAHM or a WAHM) we are getting a bigger place, etc. But what I hate is the fact that for the rest of my life my fertility rests solely in the hands of science and drugs. This is not the way I pictured conceiving my first child.

When I called DH after my appointment and told him everything, his only question, (God love him for being so supportive) was "Well, what do you want to do?" UHG. If only I knew the answer to that question.

More heart to hearts with DH to come tonight. <3