Looks like I'll be back on BCP for a while.

Haven't picked up the thermometer the past 2 mornings. There really is no point.

DH and I have decided unless it is medically better to start TTC right now, we will wait. I'm still not excited about it, but I think we came to at least a reasonable compromise. We set some goals to achieve before we start. DH wants to get a promotion (which could happen in a as little as 3 months or over a year from now) he wants to be in settled in our new house, (6 months to a year from now) and I would like to lose the rest of this weight, which is kind of vain, but also for the best medically considering our situation. Another big plus would be for me to find job I can do from home, or at least partly from home.

I also decided we needed to put an end date on all of this, a month we would say ok, this is when we start to try if we havn't already, so we picked December 2011. That seems so far away, but it's only 2 years as opposed to 10, which I could never agree to. So I have to give DH credit, because he's at least trying to understand.

He's coming with me to my HSG today, which hopefully turns out fine, my RE is slightly concerned because I had appendicitis when I was younger. Hopefully we also have time to ask a few quesitons. Not sure if I will go back to work today when it's over, DH has a half day so maybe we will just go home and relax. I don't know how well that will go over with my boss, but I really think I might need the afternoon to just process things.

Deadlock.

When I called DH after my appointment and told him everything, his only question, (God love him for being so supportive) was "Well, what do you want to do?" UHG. If only I knew the answer to that question.

It turns out that this ultimatum is my nightmare and H's dream come true. Maybe I should have seen that coming. The complete control thing is much more his style.

Anyway, we are butting heads about it. H is excited that now we can put of TTC and jump into it full swing whenever we want. Rather than the way were were going, which was well, this may take a while, so lets start now. I agree that putting it off for a few months, even a year would really be ok. We would be more settled, we'd have our new house set up, and we'd probably have a little extra cash. But my biggest problem with this is I know that DH will fall into the trap of never being ready. All of a sudden a little extra cash won't be enough, then it will be onto we need X, Y, and Z, before he's ready. He says that's not true, but I have a hard time believing that.

We talked the entire night about everything that goes into this kind of decision, and we're hopelessly deadlocked. I went to bed exhausted and I'm exhausted this morning trying to rehash everything in my brain.

I'd be happy as a clam to start TTC tomorrow, he'd be happy as a clam to start in 10 years. Now that he has the option to do that, he is unwilling to compromise. I am seriously pissed. I don't know what else to say for now.

Dilemma

Dilemma –noun

1) a situation requiring a choice between equally undesirable alternatives.

2) any difficult or perplexing situation or problem

Not sure whether to laugh or cry. I love my new RE, had a nice chat with him and a thorough but easy exam. I guess to sum up the Dx, my PCOS is moderate to severe, and he thinks it will likely get worse and worse. (F'n Great) My blood work comes back next week and I have another follow up appointment, but he said he is 99% sure it’s classic PCOS and not anything else adrenal. My ovaries are measuring well over 3cm, and I have over 30 cysts on each one. Seeing the ultra sound and hearing the news again wasn’t that bad, because obviously I’ve heard it before and dealt with it. The thing that got me was that it is getting worse since I saw my old RE, not better. :::heavy sigh::: Oh well, I was prepared for bad news and I’m doing fine with all of it. I guess I just wish that the metformin and diet were working. (I know it would be some sort of miracle if they worked perfectly the very first cycle, but still.)

What I was not prepared for were my RE’s concluding remarks.

RE: “We have two options, either we start you on treatment to TTC right away, (meaning Clomid etc.) or we start you on a treatment for pregnancy prevention (meaning BCP).”

ME: “So, you mean, I can’t just take the Metformin and try to see if I O on my own and let things happen at least kind of naturally?”

RE: “No, we really have to treat your ovaries, either we start you on ovulatory drugs so you can get pregnant or we have to put you back on BCP, I don’t want your cysts and your symptoms to get any worse.”

ME: “Erm…well right now I would like to tell you please start me on the ovulatory drugs, but I’ll let you know for sure next week at the follow up.”

:::heaves even heavier sigh:::

DH and I want a baby, we want to have a family, there is no question about it. But I hate the idea that I am either on BC or on Clomid. Why can't there be a middle ground? I had already made up my mind to put off serious fertility drugs for at least another year. I mean I'm 22 for fuck's sake! Why can't my body just fix itself? Or better yet, work the way it should? RE said I am not overweight enough that losing weight will greatly improve the PCOS, and also it is already this bad and getting more severe while on diet, exercise and Metformin. I need the hormonal regulation.

I just don't know what to say when faced with an ultimatum like that. If I got pregnant next month I would be overjoyed, we are ready in all the major ways any couple can be. DH has a stable, well paid job that he enjoys, (you all know my work situation, I would be fine with an excuse to leave it and be a SAHM or a WAHM) we are getting a bigger place, etc. But what I hate is the fact that for the rest of my life my fertility rests solely in the hands of science and drugs. This is not the way I pictured conceiving my first child.

When I called DH after my appointment and told him everything, his only question, (God love him for being so supportive) was "Well, what do you want to do?" UHG. If only I knew the answer to that question.

More heart to hearts with DH to come tonight. <3

Picture this if you will

How I am imagining my first convo with my new RE:

RE: "Hi, I'm Dr. .... nice to meet you....erm, um, I see you're...ready"
ME: (already in gown, sheet covered, and in stirrups, likely my vag is staring the doc in the face) "yeh yeh great, listen, lets cut the small talk and you just look in my ute and tell me what's up mmmkay?"

As much as I hate the idea of going though another barrage of glucose tests, dildo cam molestations, and getting stabbed with needles, I'm ready to see what's going on so I can start reproducing.

WORK VENT

WTF?! So, I was a Public Relations major in college. I love love love designing layouts, writing, and creating pretty, glossy marketing materials. Not to mention good at it!

Since I've been stuck at this craptastic non-PR related job, I have tried like hell to get my boss to let me revamp her marketing materials. THEY SUCK DONKEY BALLS. They are completely unprofessional, sloppy, and make our company sound like a rip off. (But then again, I am talking about miss anti-technology who can't even use a cell phone, still thinks cold calls and faxes are the best way to get to high-profile clients)

No matter what I try, she is unreceptive, and I'm pretty much convinced that she just doesn't want to admit I can do anything (even if it's what I have a degree in) better than her.

I mean really. Are you that insecure?

On to the reason for this vent:

I'm using the scanner today, and I see a fucking POWERPOINT slide with what I am guessing is her attempt at a fact sheet that she left in there. Um, for one thing YOU DO NOT NEED TO PRINT AND SCAN A POWERPOINT SLIDE TO MAKE IT INTO A PDF YOU DUMB FUCK. And the other thing, you should let me do this for you!

All she wants me to do is handle all the admin stuff, do all the customer service stuff humanly possible, be her gofer, and when things get quiet, make cold calls to try and generate more sales and commission for her, of which I never see a penny.

I have tried to say listen, I would love to come out of this job with some PR related materials to have in my portfolio, and this would be something to your benefit as well and ultimately generate more sales, but still nothing.

At every free moment today my job search is on with renewed vigor. My brain and skills are rotting here. end vent.

Ouch

Hurray for some wet CM, but holy nipple pain. Ow ow ow ow ow.

Ironical...it fits.

Goddammit.

After my last cycle, which was over 3 months long, clearly annovulatory and highly medicated (ineffectively medicated btw) I never thought fertile CM could be so elusive! I had freaking buckets of it for days and days last cycle! This cycle, I've had loads of creamy, but just one day of actual wet CM. UHG.