Stamp of Approval

SQUEEE!!!! After DH stressing out about it for weeks, we finally had the appointment with our mortgage loan officer at BB&T. Not only do we qualify for a ridiculous amount of house, our credit scores are so pristine we're getting excellent rates and no PMI!!! Doing the research really paid off, I'm so glad DH has been on top of this. We're feeling rather proud of ourselves!

To celebrate we're cramming 3 friends from OOT into our teenie tiny apartment and bar hopping around DC. The strangest thing? I actually feel up to it. Maybe I'm tired of being alone with my empty ute, maybe I'm on a first time home buyers high, and maybe it's a crazy positive mood swing from the BC. IDK, but I'm going with it.

Reasons I hate PCOS

1) The obvious, "you're infertile" thing.

2) The ridiculous symptoms that are permeating every aspect of my life other than TTC. The ridiculously disgusting relentless acne that I cannot get rid off, the mustache I've had to diligently wax for the past 2 months, the weight fluctuations, the damaging effects of certain foods on both my waistline and my mood. And the latest 2 symptoms to pop up, my hair is starting to fall out and my skin is starting to get those lovely dry patches. I am so sexy, I can barely stand it.

3) The way my friends and family don't really know what to say if I talk to them about it, because they don't understand that it's not just about getting KU. I mean I can talk about zits in weird places and the fact that I have facial hair like a man with my BFF's, but it's not anyone's favorite topic of conversation.

4) When people say things like, "Well at least you caught it early," "You weren't even trying to get pregnant yet were you?" "Don't worry, with all the new medical technology out there you'll still be able to have kids." And my all time fave, "So, you just can't get pregnant? That's it? Oh, that's not so bad, I wish I had that, you'll save so much on BC!" (Yeh, um, right, that's why I shell out $35 a month for it. And yes, I agree, I wish you had this instead of me, you cow.) I know they think they are being comforting, (most of them) but they have no idea how angry all of these statements make me.

5) I'm fucking sick of looking like a sickly, bloated greasy slob. I have symptoms that keep getting worse and nothing seems to be working. It's really starting to affect my confidence, this is not who I am or even who I was 6 months ago, and it's very frustrating.

6) I'm avoiding people because I look and feel like shit, and explaining what is wrong does not help, see reason #4. Don't feel left out e-friends, I've been avoiding everyone, even on the phone. This long weekend I actually played an Xbox game from start to finish rather than talk to anyone. Obviously DH and I didn't have the most romantic V-day. I really am turning into a nerdy teenage boy, minus the sex drive.

TTC decision update

Well, looks like I will start back BC on Sunday. I've had the script sitting in the bottom of my purse since Wednesday after my Dr's appointment.

We made the decision because it's not medically necessary to TTC now. I believe my RE's words were: "You're completely normal and healthy besides the PCOS, you can be on BC as long as you like. Then we'll put you on Clomid if you don't ovulate the first month off, and keep going from there. Remember, you're only 22." ( Yes, I am perfectly aware of my age Dr, I don't need a reminder. I know I have plenty of years ahead of me to have children, the point is DH and I are perfectly equipped and ready for them now, or else I wouldn't be here.)

Regardless, we're waiting on the ovulatory drugs until we get some more of our shit together, DH would feel more comfortable if we went into this with a few more goals checked off our list. Although I'm still not super excited about waiting, I think this way it will be less stressful for both of us.

I should be happy to have such a great RE, a plan in place, no other IF problems etc etc. But I'm not. For whatever reason I feel like I am right back to where I started 6 months ago, even though I have really come a long way. IDK, it just feels like some sort of failure, even though logically I know that's not true.

I have been on a juvenile rebellion against my body since last Wednesday. Slacking on my Metformin (which I guess I no longer need, uhg), eating chocolate, and I even had fried chicken during the Superbowl. All big no-no's, but I decided to say fuck it. Just one more unhealthy habit I have when on an emotional roller coaster, I become a glutton for self-punishment/hate…like a log cabin Republican. Of course my body responded to that hurts-so-good BS in the logical way, refusing to let me have a good poop for almost a week and then deciding the best way to get all these bad things out of me is by giving me the stomach flu Wednesday. You know, having the stomach flu sucked in it's own right, but being that nauseated and knowing there is absolutely no possibility it could be from being KU made it suck even harder. I barely got through work and my appointment that day.

Now that I am done violently expelling things from both ends of my digestive system, it's time to refocus these feelings into something mutually beneficial for mind and body. Tonight and tomorrow I plan on resting and actually having sex with my husband, since that hasn't happened in almost 2 weeks now, and then Sunday I'm going to re-evaluate that gym membership I keep saying is too expensive. We have a fitness room full of cardio equipment in our apartment complex, but I am so bored with the elliptical I could scream. After all, losing weight is one of those goals to check of the list, one of the few that is really a goal of mine specifically and not a shared goal with DH.

Thanking God it is Friday and this shitty week is over. I need to start fresh.

HSG= hardcore suckage

Yes, I am one of those women with the horrible HSG experience. The test itself was incredibly painful. Imagine someone opening a switchblade in your vagina and shoving it through your cervix and you'll have a pretty good idea of how this test feels on your lady bits. Thankfully my test was very short, maybe a total of 5 minutes. I was lucky, no blocked tubes and everything looked completely normal. The aftermath however was not short lived, my whole abdominal region felt like a war zone until Sunday morning.

I had stabby, (for lack of a better analogy, the knife thing still works nicely) sore pains. I wouldn't call them cramps, but they made me uncomfortably aware of where my uterus and fillopian tubes are in my abdomen, and were pretty severe for the rest of the day after the test. The next day I had less actual pain and more general soreness, very similar to a few weeks after my appendectomy. For the first two days I had no real bleeding and no ink leakage, but loads of wet CM with an occasional spot of bright red.

Yesterday I woke up nice and late and pain free, but got out of bed to find my uterus suddenly decided to spill iodine. That lasted about and hour, then we moved on to act two, tons of scary looking blood clots off and on throughout the afternoon, and then general AF like bleeding off and on.

So in closing, yeh....that sucked, I'm still bleeding, and our TTC situation is still not set in stone. happy Monday.

Looks like I'll be back on BCP for a while.

Haven't picked up the thermometer the past 2 mornings. There really is no point.

DH and I have decided unless it is medically better to start TTC right now, we will wait. I'm still not excited about it, but I think we came to at least a reasonable compromise. We set some goals to achieve before we start. DH wants to get a promotion (which could happen in a as little as 3 months or over a year from now) he wants to be in settled in our new house, (6 months to a year from now) and I would like to lose the rest of this weight, which is kind of vain, but also for the best medically considering our situation. Another big plus would be for me to find job I can do from home, or at least partly from home.

I also decided we needed to put an end date on all of this, a month we would say ok, this is when we start to try if we havn't already, so we picked December 2011. That seems so far away, but it's only 2 years as opposed to 10, which I could never agree to. So I have to give DH credit, because he's at least trying to understand.

He's coming with me to my HSG today, which hopefully turns out fine, my RE is slightly concerned because I had appendicitis when I was younger. Hopefully we also have time to ask a few quesitons. Not sure if I will go back to work today when it's over, DH has a half day so maybe we will just go home and relax. I don't know how well that will go over with my boss, but I really think I might need the afternoon to just process things.

Deadlock.

When I called DH after my appointment and told him everything, his only question, (God love him for being so supportive) was "Well, what do you want to do?" UHG. If only I knew the answer to that question.

It turns out that this ultimatum is my nightmare and H's dream come true. Maybe I should have seen that coming. The complete control thing is much more his style.

Anyway, we are butting heads about it. H is excited that now we can put of TTC and jump into it full swing whenever we want. Rather than the way were were going, which was well, this may take a while, so lets start now. I agree that putting it off for a few months, even a year would really be ok. We would be more settled, we'd have our new house set up, and we'd probably have a little extra cash. But my biggest problem with this is I know that DH will fall into the trap of never being ready. All of a sudden a little extra cash won't be enough, then it will be onto we need X, Y, and Z, before he's ready. He says that's not true, but I have a hard time believing that.

We talked the entire night about everything that goes into this kind of decision, and we're hopelessly deadlocked. I went to bed exhausted and I'm exhausted this morning trying to rehash everything in my brain.

I'd be happy as a clam to start TTC tomorrow, he'd be happy as a clam to start in 10 years. Now that he has the option to do that, he is unwilling to compromise. I am seriously pissed. I don't know what else to say for now.

Dilemma

Dilemma –noun

1) a situation requiring a choice between equally undesirable alternatives.

2) any difficult or perplexing situation or problem

Not sure whether to laugh or cry. I love my new RE, had a nice chat with him and a thorough but easy exam. I guess to sum up the Dx, my PCOS is moderate to severe, and he thinks it will likely get worse and worse. (F'n Great) My blood work comes back next week and I have another follow up appointment, but he said he is 99% sure it’s classic PCOS and not anything else adrenal. My ovaries are measuring well over 3cm, and I have over 30 cysts on each one. Seeing the ultra sound and hearing the news again wasn’t that bad, because obviously I’ve heard it before and dealt with it. The thing that got me was that it is getting worse since I saw my old RE, not better. :::heavy sigh::: Oh well, I was prepared for bad news and I’m doing fine with all of it. I guess I just wish that the metformin and diet were working. (I know it would be some sort of miracle if they worked perfectly the very first cycle, but still.)

What I was not prepared for were my RE’s concluding remarks.

RE: “We have two options, either we start you on treatment to TTC right away, (meaning Clomid etc.) or we start you on a treatment for pregnancy prevention (meaning BCP).”

ME: “So, you mean, I can’t just take the Metformin and try to see if I O on my own and let things happen at least kind of naturally?”

RE: “No, we really have to treat your ovaries, either we start you on ovulatory drugs so you can get pregnant or we have to put you back on BCP, I don’t want your cysts and your symptoms to get any worse.”

ME: “Erm…well right now I would like to tell you please start me on the ovulatory drugs, but I’ll let you know for sure next week at the follow up.”

:::heaves even heavier sigh:::

DH and I want a baby, we want to have a family, there is no question about it. But I hate the idea that I am either on BC or on Clomid. Why can't there be a middle ground? I had already made up my mind to put off serious fertility drugs for at least another year. I mean I'm 22 for fuck's sake! Why can't my body just fix itself? Or better yet, work the way it should? RE said I am not overweight enough that losing weight will greatly improve the PCOS, and also it is already this bad and getting more severe while on diet, exercise and Metformin. I need the hormonal regulation.

I just don't know what to say when faced with an ultimatum like that. If I got pregnant next month I would be overjoyed, we are ready in all the major ways any couple can be. DH has a stable, well paid job that he enjoys, (you all know my work situation, I would be fine with an excuse to leave it and be a SAHM or a WAHM) we are getting a bigger place, etc. But what I hate is the fact that for the rest of my life my fertility rests solely in the hands of science and drugs. This is not the way I pictured conceiving my first child.

When I called DH after my appointment and told him everything, his only question, (God love him for being so supportive) was "Well, what do you want to do?" UHG. If only I knew the answer to that question.

More heart to hearts with DH to come tonight. <3